What Husbands Want Their Wives to Know

My brother married his high school sweetheart last Saturday. I sat on the sidelines watching them greet guests. When love is new a couple feeds their relationship with a constant supply of kindness, touching, kissing and affection. Passion runs hot, anticipation runs high. Soon the cares of the world enter in and couples become familiar with each other like siblings. Positionality reigns supreme and passion takes a back seat to personal agendas.

I've been through a lot from death of a spouse to divorce. I'm not perfect, and I certainly don't hold a corner on perfection or knowledge. I was blessed to have some Emotional Healing methods called The Emotion Code and EFT introduced to me that I used during those critical, stressful times, and continue to use today for my family's benefit that have been essential to maintaining high levels of equanimity during life's battles. As an Emotional Healing Practitioner I currently enjoy the great blessing of being able to support and teach others dealing with traumatic or troubled relationships and circumstances through these healing methods.

While these healing modalities are truly powerful, I have noticed a very compelling pattern in the conversations with the husbands I have worked with. When we discuss daily management of their stress I hear husbands say that if their wives were more like friends and lovers rather than mothers, then they could handle the pressures of life so much better. They could focus on her needs so much more. They see that when their wives are afraid their needs will not be met they become controlling and manipulative. Many of these husbands express extreme loneliness and doubt that they can last a lifetime married to such a person.

I asked a highly respected, retired Psychotherapist in Salt Lake City, Utah about what he found to be the most successful method for healing marital trauma and managing daily stresses for married couples. Without sharing my personal opinion or the general consensus of my male clients he said, "Unconditionally Loving Marital Intimacy. As often as possible."

Down With the "Honey I'm Tired" Line

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard a wife claim she's too tired to be intimate with her husband, I'd put those hundreds of dollars on a shopping card, tell her she has only two hours to go shopping to spend it all and then we'd see how tired she really is. The tired complaint falls on my selectively deaf ears, and always will. We're all tired from raising kids, working, cleaning and lobbying to be the next PTA President. Even with all the things we have to do, why do some tired women still put forth the effort to be wives and lovers to their husbands and some do not? The answer is that nasty, obnoxious word called choice. It's a choice to have and to hold your man when the kids are tucked in their wee little beds just like it's a choice to play two dozen life-sucking, romance-killing late night games of computer Solitaire while your husband sleeps alone.

So...these are the things many of my male clients and my retired Psychotherapist friend (and yours truly) wish wives knew:

Step 1. HE WANTS YOU TO SAY NO TO NAG
If your husband forgets to take out the trash, put down the toilet seat or pick up his
socks, he's not inherently evil, and does not deserve to be treated as such. He's
probably stressed out or has something important on his mind that is distracting him.
These husbands want wives to stop nagging so the two of you don't lose that lovin' feelin'.
Why would anyone want to kiss the lips that were formerly sheaths for sharp tongues?
Put down the weapons of mass marital destruction and play nice.
Thumper got it right: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Maybe a simple thank you for something he does do for you would change your mood and his.

Step 2. HE NEEDS YOU TO SHINE HIS ARMOR
Did your knight in battle-worn armor have a rough day? Listen to him about it. Look in
his eyes with sincere interest during his recounting of slaying the mighty office dragon.
Hang out with him a while and throw in a back rub, or a head massage and a
thank you for putting up with the daily garbage at work to support the family.
IS HE OUT OF WORK? He needs more lovin' than ever because his heart is heavy
and he feels unattractive to you because he's not a big fat paycheck. He's been wounded
in battle. He needs you to shine his armor and love him so he has the strength to go back out to the battle field. You fell head-over-heels in love and couldn't wait to hop in the sack with him when he was a penniless college student. He needs it to be that way now. He needs it always.

Step 3. HE WANTS TO BE YOUR MAN, NOT YOUR SPARE CHILD
There are only a few things that chap my hide. Very near the top of the list of things is a woman jawing at her husband like he's an imbecile. Without launching myself into a rant, I will simply say that if you are talking to your husband the same way you are talking to your children you are s-mothering him. Are you his lover or his mother? Words so soft, kind, gentle, encouraging and loving are what he needs - but not in the welcome-to-Kindergarten-sort-of-way. We women who work with kids or stay at home with children all day need to be
especially careful to switch from mother to lover mode when they're with their man. The more your husband is in your thoughts during the day, the easier making this switch becomes.
As a working professional, teacher in the classroom, or at home with kids, you are
the cruise director. But when the captain comes home you're a co-captain on the Love
Boat.

Tell the children dinner will be late because you need to take him into your quarters for a "meeting".

If I could do some type of money-back-guarantee on this advice I would, but that kind of guarantee fails to compare to the guarantee that your marriage will become more intimate and connected. Watch out...it might likely get smokin' hot again. For wives that actually do these things for their husbands, and I've seen it work too many times to be argued with, I guarantee your job as wife will become sweeter and sweeter.